I work with a lot of men, and I’ve found that they often don’t want to come in for couples therapy at first.  They think it will just make both people feel worse, or that they’ll be blamed for the problems, or have to talk about things they’d rather keep private. 

In those cases I focus in the couples counseling on skills training: explaining, using examples from the couple's life, practicing and doing homework.  There are a few relationship habits that, when learned, can transform the ways that couples communicate.  They’re based on decades of some of the most powerful research ever done in psychology.  What makes relationships fail, and what makes relationships work?  We know a lot about that, and these are skills you can learn. 

This is a great introduction to some of the most important psychological research being conducted today.  In their "Love Lab," an inn-like setting in which couples are studied while they interact with each other, Dr. John Gottman's team has identified (with exceptional statistical significance) a number of things that couples do or don't do to make relationships happy or hellish.  I recommend this at the start of every couples therapy.

I'm working on getting links working, in the meantime you can just look it up:

John Gottman, Ph.D.: Making Marriage Work

I was wrapped in a towel, standing in front of a mirror at the gym shaving, and I asked the guy standing next to me how he was doing. "Not so good." We hadn't talked much before. "Really? What's going on?"

"I came home last night and found my wife in bed with another woman." We talked for a few more minutes. He was shocked, grieving more than anything, confused. So I asked him, "Have you got a therapist you can talk to?"

"Oh," he replied, "Things aren't THAT bad."

Wow. How bad do things have to get? Individual therapy often pulls in men who are out of options: to save or get out of a marriage, to stop blowing up before they lose their jobs, to stop being anxious so much they are miserable, or to combat a downward spiral of depression. It's kind of like an addict hitting bottom – it usually has to get really bad.

Guys will often come into men's groups because they want to find men they can "talk to about more than football."

But men who want to see their careers take off, or get better at loving their partners or kids, or figure out how to live with more meaning or happiness? Less likely to come to therapy. I think they're missing an important opportunity, because I see those things happen all the time for the guys who do come in.

But why do guys avoid it? The research identifies a number of factors (and we're conducting a study now, so watch this space), but I'm pretty sure it's usually because they're embarrassed that they want help. Men in our culture are placed under enormous pressure to appear strong, and the swift punishment for any sign of weakness is often a public humiliation. In many cases, it takes a brave man to get past the macho pressure and call a therapist. It's like the old cliche of stopping to ask for directions.

Therapy is an adventure.  The irony is that men often find that it's their fear of being embarrassed that's holding them back in many areas of their lives. And what's maddening is that therapy is really good at helping LOSE that fear of taking chances, thatfear of being embarrassed.

Psychoanalyst Tom Richardson, Ph.D., tells me he wants to erect a big statue of Goofy in his office, as a reminder that the most successful people make mistakes all the time. I think it's Goofy phobia that's holding back so, so many men. Ayup!

"Think of what we typically ask a man to do in therapy settings: recognize that something is wrong with him, admit that he needs help, openly discuss and express his emotions, get vulnerable, and depend on someone else for guidance and support—all extremely challenging tasks in Guy World." (David Wexler, Ph.D., in Psychotherapy Networker)