Safety, problem-solving, skill-building, and love.
I approach couples therapy with a structured process designed to create safety and clarity. In this atmosphere, old—often painful and repetitive—conversations are interrupted, real solutions are identified and set into motion, and your love can start to define your relationship instead of conflict or distance.
I work in two layers. The first is about skills. Most of us need practice to get good at making conflict productive so that an enduring intimacy can emerge. Sound research helps us understand how affectionate relationships are built and sustained, and it also shows us how they are most commonly disrupted. Conflict can be seen as an opportunity to grow closer.
So we start as needed with a focus on a few basic skills: how to build warmth and safety with little considerate acts – which makes it safer to talk about the difficult things, how to speak the truth without evoking defenses, how to hear and validate the viewpoint of the other.
The second layer is about underlying, sometimes very old hurts and how they’re triggered in a way that derails real communication. These pockets of pain can create circular conflict, and stop couples from talking constructively about ways they can face these obstacles together as powerful allies.
Often one partner wants therapy more than the other. Sometimes couples fear going to therapy; will it make things worse? Will it open up even more painful, destructive conflict? If you or your partner are feeling cautious, or just curious, I invite you to call, tell me about what you’re up against as a couple, and let’s see how we can work together most safely, efficiently and effectively.
